Salmond accused of globicide

The planet Earth has now reached the same position relative to the Sun TWICE since Kenny MacAskill's decision to release Abdelbassett's Murray Mints Megrahi on compassionate grounds. This is a monumentally significant cosmic alignment.

A Labour spokesdroid with serial number 1a1n Gr4y said: "The movement of Megrahi from North Britain's northerly latitude to Libya's tropical climes may well have shifted Earth's centre of mass significantly toward the equator. As the equator is closer to the Sun this causes an extra gravitational pull that may inexorably be moving Earth's orbit inwards, too far and too fast, in a tortuous death spiral that will be the ruin of us all.

We can only speculate at Alex Salmond's motives for damning us all to be vapourised, but figures that we made up suggest that we might enter the Sun's corona in the second half of this parliament thus conveniently getting Salmond out of holding his referendum that nobody wants.

Salmond himself will of course probably flee in his escape pod, cunningly disguised as a wind turbine, in order to pursue his narrow ideology of independence for the universe. A Freedom Of Information request we submitted to ask whether Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch have seats reserved in the escape pod has been refused on highly questionable grounds. Repent ye voters!

Oh, nearly forgot the positive bit. We are calling for immediate action to increase the number of apprenticeships for parasol makers. I used to be a physics teacher y'know..."

Earth's certainly possible doom at the hands of the SNP
Source: Labour Hame's Spurious Haverings Investigative Team

Lonely Lib Dem leader Willie Rennie cried: "Remember me?"

Who the hell are the 27%?!?

Scotland on Sunday are reporting the results of a new poll ahead of the Holyrood election.

The differences in percentages for SNP and Labour seem to be pretty small (3% on the constituency vote, 2% on the regional vote), and comparable to the normal margin of error of such polls, so all still to play for. Having said that, the fall (6%) in Labour's share of the all-important regional vote is greater than the normal margin of error, so that would appear to be significant and perhaps adds weight to the sense of momentum in the SNP's favour seen in previous polls.

What is way beyond the margin of error however, is the 57% of people who want Alex Salmond for FM as opposed to the 27% who prefer Iain Gray. A few thoughts come to mind...

1. Even assuming that all 27% who opted for Gray are Labour voters, it would seem that there are a fair number of Labour supporters out there that don't want Gray as FM!

2. Will the London Labour minders let Gray off the leash again in this campaign, in an attempt to boost his standing, or will they err on the side of caution and try to keep him out of trouble between now and polling day?

3. Will Gray enjoy much legitimacy with the general public if Labour manage to turn things around and squeak through as the largest party, given his consistently poor personal poll ratings?

4. How long will Labour MSPs (and/or MPs) give Gray to make a splash if he does manage to become FM? Realistically, who is there within the Labour MSP ranks that would do any better?

Answers in a comment box please.

101 uses for Iain Gray: #8 Benny Hill impersonator

Where to begin? Iain Gray's election campaign continues to come out firing blanks. From incoherent, finger-jabbing performances in the leaders' debates, to the alarming and rain-soaked manifesto launch and now his Forrest Gump-style response to a group of protesters complaining about "Tory cuts" - surely if any topic had the potential to be manna from heaven for Iain Gray this was it. At last the chance to show he can think on his feet and effortlessly relate to the concerns of the common man, that he can take on an angry group and defuse the situation with tact and diplomacy (Iain Gray? Diplomacy? Oops, what am I saying? Iceland, Ireland, Montenegro...).

Off the top of my head, a response along the lines of "Yes, the Tory cuts are terrible, too deep too fast (I thought this phrase in particular had been tatooed on the inside of every Labour member's eyelids) , we have to try to make the best of a bad situation, we can't run away from our responsibilities running Glasgow council, we will fight these cuts until our last breath, etc." would surely have curried favour with the protesters, and certainly with the attendant media and watching viewers. But instead Scotland's FM-in-waiting (and let's hope he's waiting a long time) reacted like this:


Thanks to the mysterious bcnsco for uploading the video to You Tube, an eminently suitable webpage for any Iain Gray videos.

Is this the behaviour we expect from an FM? Turning tail when things get a bit tricky, being unable to think quickly and improvise responses when the Labour script writers aren't there to deliver a prompt? Oh dear, oh dear. The best part was the bizarre decision by Gray and/or his handlers to take refuge in a sandwich shop. Aye, Iain, they'll never get to you in there! Erm, unless they follow you in through the door that is, and then you're cornered. Brilliant thinking there Iain, now here's my vote and please run the country for me. Sweet Lord have mercy on us all, the man's an absolute imbecile nincompoop.

Pillory Sad Oaf

As I groggily awakened from my six month hibernation, this year's slew of April Fool's Day japes in the media were all too obvious. I suppose it must be difficult to come up with a fresh angle on it every year, so credit at least to the Scottish media for the clever wheeze of coordinating their efforts this time round.

But seriously, to expect their long-suffering audience to believe that a shambling, inarticulate, hobo-like character, with crazed, staring eyes and a finger permanently set to "jab" is the Labour contender for First Minister! Ah, the scamps! As if that wasn't obvious enough they've even saddled him with the sobriquet, "Iain Gray MSP", a painfully transparent anagram of "Aspiring Yam", a cruel commentary on the sub-tuber intellect of this benighted fellow.

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Roll on midday when the Labour Party will reveal their real candidate!

Modern Nursery Rhymes: #82 The Battle of Prestonpans, 2010

Little Ms Moffat,
Sat at great profit,
Going first-class all the way.
The locals decried her,
Not knowing, as they fried her,
They'd soon be stuck with Iain Gray!

101 uses for Iain Gray: #72 Cartographer Royal

Did my eyes and ears deceive me yesterday dear reader? Iain Gray, digging ever deeper, like a hyperactive mole on steroids late for an appointment at the optician (ok, with hindsight perhaps I spent too long listening to Bill McLaren clips), attempts to land a blow on Republican Rose and Wee Eck with this abject non-story about the Balmoral footpaths. Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab! What a scandalous dereliction of duty by those SNP ne'er-do-wells! The outrage was palpable, palpably desperate. Right to roam? Gray seems more interested in his right to drone.

Worth a mention in passing is the Daily Telegraph's headline writer - clearly feeling that "Republican" was insufficiently bilious they plumped instead for the positively poisonous "Antimonarchist" in Simon Johnson's article. Even here in Brigadoon I could hear the loyal subjects of Tunbridge Wells spitting their Darjeeling out.

Gray powerless

And so, shock of shocks, Lord Steel's inquiry has cleared Alex Salmond of misleading the Scottish parliament with regard to the prisoner John Brown absconding from Castle Huntly. I'm sure we can all look forward to a healthy dose of contrition from Iain Gray for wasting everyone's time with his idle complaints...or perhaps not.

Political giant Iain Gray (source: Gary Doak Photography)

Weary fa' you, Iain Gray!

Weary fa' you, Iain Gray!
Ha, ha, this grinnin' poet,
Rejoices that you, Iain Gray,
Invariably do blow it!
When baseless gripes ye wildly bray,
Ye mark how far ye've lost your way,
Wha plants the seed o' your doomsday?
'Tis you yourself that sows it!

He thought that it was Eck's high-noon,
Ha, ha, an' how he crowed it!
But tae Gray's poison Eck's immune!
By now ye'd think he'd know it!
How will this glaikit Labour goon,
Stop his poll ratings hurtlin' doon?
"By meek obedience before Broon!"
At every turn he shows it!

Poor Iain's tongue such drivel saith,
Ha, ha, he ought tae stow it!
Wi' his pal Murphy, puppets baith,
The London line, they toe it!
While "Scottish" Labour puts it's faith,
In Gormless Brown, yon flimsy wraith,
Frae Stranraer up as far as Aith,
The Scots will overthrow it!

101 uses for Iain Gray: #65 Radiation absorber

Well you learn something new every day. Apparently the gray is the SI unit of "absorbed radiation dose due to ionizing radiation". To be precise, 1 gray = the absorption of 1 joule of energy, in the form of ionizing radiation, by 1 kg of matter.

Now, since Iain Gray has been made redundant by Jim Murphy, surely his time would be better employed swimming up and down the Gare Loch absorbing all the radiation our marvellous nuclear subs spit out. Indeed, as well as helping clean up the environment he could also provide a timely boost to tourism. People would come from far and wide to see this increasingly endangered Gray wail.

Iain Gray: final poll results

For posterity, the final results of the Iain Gray poll are below:

Q. Did Iain Gray's speech do it for you?

Yes: 4 votes
No: 39
Who's Iain Gray?: 37

Scant approval for Mr Gray here it seems. Thanks to all who voted!

Labour conference in Dundee

Hello and welcome to this shiny new blog. The aim is simply to pose topical questions on the Scottish political scene, and allow you all to vote and comment as you see fit. Some might even claim it as part of the National Conversation ;o)

There's no pre-moderation here so you are responsible for the content of your comments! Yes, responsible! Imagine! Obviously if anything illegal appears, or if anyone makes a legitimate complaint then I might have to do some minimal censorship. But let's hope it doesn't come to that.

To business then: the Labour conference is happening in Dundee. What do you think of it? What did you make of Iain Gray's speech? Comments please and do vote in the poll to the right!