Murphy: Gonnie gies twa pandas?

So Jim Murphy spent his time in China wisely, asking his hosts for a pair of pandas to bring back to a Scottish zoo. Sweet Lord have mercy on his soul, are pandas really what Scotland needs in these dark economic days? It certainly seems that Murphy's hastily arranged jolly was simply an exercise in one-upmanship, getting in ahead of Alex Salmond's long-planned trip. And if he really had to have some souvenirs, could he not have chosen something to fit in his suitcase?

Bamboo-zled

Besides, it's not as if Scotland is exactly lacking in pandas. Indeed, on my morning constitutional through the woods of Brigadoon I managed to snap these two, admittedly rather straggly, specimens. Devoid of energy and utterly impotent, the prospects for this sad pair and others of their ilk are grim. Their future survival hinges on their ability to find a few green shoots, but their chronic short-sightedness leaves them blundering around, trampling all over any signs of growth. A mass extinction looms...